There is no doubt that our children are an amanah from Allah swt. The best gift we can give to our little ones is a childhood led by good example so that in the future they are able to thrive. This is of course easier said than done and as parents we can all agree that this blessing of raising our children albeit rewarding is not without its challenges and complexities.
In an ever changing world the goalpost for being a good parent continuously changes and with all the different types of parenting techniques you can try (google has recommendations to last you until your child is an adult twice over) it is hard to know how to go about moulding this once instinctive soft dependant human into a capable young adult.
When in doubt you can always look to Prophet Mohammed {pbuh) for guidance. A particular hadith quotes the prophet saying the following: ” Play with them for the very first 7 years (of their life); then instruct them for the next 7 years; after that advise them for the next seven years (as well as after that).”
The above Hadith of the Prophet gives us guidance to divide the training into three parts.
The Beginning (0-7)
When your children are young the main things to focus on are building a bond with your child and allowing them to play. In the first 7 years of life children learn a lot by exploring the world around them. Think of these years as the foundation blocks of your child’s life and treat them with care, playfulness and above all plenty of love. It may seem that the physical drain of sleepless nights, feeds and school runs leave no time to enjoy your children however making the effort will in the long run pay off.
During this time period any undesirable actions from your children are likely to be a result of imitation. Our children are like sponges and they do not absorb only appropriate behavior therefore if there is something unsavoury occurring you need to look close to home as to where these behaviours may be coming from. Of course this is not with the intention to place blame but to be more aware of how intelligent children are from a very young age and their ability to learn through observation.
The Middle (7-14)
This is the time to teach your children. Teach them right from wrong, how to do things, how to act, how to exist. This is a great time to instill faith into your children and set boundaries which allow your child to make choices and learn within a controlled environment about the consequences of making mistakes / intentional choices which may sabotage their wellbeing.
The key thing to remember in this phase is that your child is eager and able to learn. The way you go about teaching your child will impact how their relationship with you and others is formed and how they go about making their own choices in the future.
It’s very easy to get stuck into a ‘I say therefore you do’ mentality but it is very important to encourage your child to ask questions and take the time to explain your reasoning for limiting or indulging your child as this will serve them well in the future.
As parents it is our obligation to show them how to behave, how to choose where to go and decide which type of people to fill up that setting with, to make sure that they can continue to do what is best for them when they are independent.
Instilling limits and reasoning into your children allow them to grow up in the world confident of what is right and wrong and reaching their conclusions by testing those limits with the benefit of knowing the reasoning behind choosing one action over another. When you are told to do things with explanation it leads to feeling informed and in turn more likely to make the right decision independently.
It goes without saying that your word at this age will not be enough and you will need to practise what you preach. Create an environment and relationship where open conversation is encouraged. After all if they don’t ask you they will find the answers to their curiosities elsewhere.
The Last Seven Years (14-21)
In Islam your not so little baby is considered an accountable adult when they turn 14 or when puberty begins (whichever comes first). Although for most this may feel somewhat a dated notion especially given that your child is probably still in school at this age and has little / no responsibilities the intention is not to treat your child like a literal adult but to guide them as if they are one. During this phase children gain a sense of independence and as parents you must allow them to take their own paths and learn from their successes and failures.
These years are critical and your job as a parent evolves from a teacher with a safety net to an adviser that encourages the right choice with love and forgiveness should your children choose the wrong path every now and then. Your role during this phase is to recommend, give advice and step back. After all this is how your children will conduct a relationship with you in the years following this period.
Be forgiving, being understanding and open. Your child inshallah will be your biggest investment emotionally and financially and with guidance will turn into kind, successful and confident soul who has a strong connection to their faith and family.
What have you found has helped bring up your children in a positive way. Share your tips and lessons learned in the comments.
