It’s been a really long time since I last posted properly on Muslim Mamas. I just don’t have the time to go on Facebook as much as I used to… or watch TV, or read for fun, or go out with my friends, or do anything other than work/kids/study/house/family.
It’s been nearly five months since I went back to full-time employment – we’re talking 9:30am-5:30pm every day of the working week. I’ve also started doing a Masters part-time – something I’ve wanted to do for the past 10 years but because life kept getting in the way, never quite got there. The older I became and the more settled in my career I was, the less inclined I felt to spend any more money on my education.
But then, earlier this year, thanks to a post I saw right here on Muslim Mamas, I applied for a scholarship and Alhamdulillah I got it.. and once that happened, there was no turning back! At the time I wasn’t working or even planning to go back to work, so I was excited about the prospect of learning, stimulating my mind, getting out the house, intellectual conversations ….
…. but THEN, somehow, by the will of Allah, a perfect job close to home came along… and all of a sudden, I went from being a SAHM enjoying all that extra time now that my eldest was in school (coffee mornings, play dates, gym, the usual) to being a full-time working mum who was also studying part-time, writing a novel, managing a household, looking after two small kids (with some help from the husband), etc etc …
And to be perfectly frank, I am abso-bloody-lutely exhausted.
I’ve been busy in previous lives but I’ve never been burning the candle at both ends like I’m doing now. I’m always on the move. If I’m not working then I’m cleaning, or cooking, or doing laundry (which I have to do daily) or washing dishes, or homework, errands, or other kid-related activities.. and when they fall asleep, I take out my computer and do my university assignments, barely able to keep my eyes open. Even now, I’m falling asleep as I write this.
I’ve had to sacrifice a lot get here- I barely socialise now (I’ve replaced my friends with caffeine), I don’t have as much time to go the gym so I’ve gained a bit of weight, and I have a militant routine that I can’t deviate from otherwise everything tumbles down around me, much to the annoyance of my extended family.
I keep telling myself it will be worth it in the end.. but to be honest, I’m beginning to doubt my choices and I don’t know if it’s worth the repercussions it will have on my physical and emotional well-being. How am I supposed to sustain this lifestyle for the next TWO YEARS????? I’m coping now but how long before I implode?
The thing is, the smoothness and ease in which everything led me to this point in my life, honestly feels like divine intervention. So right now, even though I’m more zombie than human, I’m just going to roll with it and hope and pray for the best!!
And in the mean time, I ask for your duas my beautiful Muslim mamas! I may look put-together and in control all the time, but sometimes I feel like I’m falling apart at the seams.
Here’s a picture of me acting like I’m living my best life chilling in Bloomsbury in the 30 mins I get between work finishing and uni starting on a Wednesday night …. but actually worrying that I haven’t finished the reading, or done my assignments properly, and hoping I have something meaningful to contribute instead of looking like an imposter!
All guest writer articles come from our Muslim Mamas community or from our network of supporters. Some contribute one-off stories; some contribute as anonymous mamas. All experiences and opinions are those of the writers.