The sexual relationship of a couple is one of the important aspects of their married life. But for some married couples, sex is no longer part of their relationship. They are living and raising children together but sex is no longer something they do. But how do they reach that point? Why does it happen and are they truly happy?
These are just some of the questions that come to mind. Sex is a natural thing between a married couple and is a way for greater intimacy, conversations and honesty. When that is missing from a relationship, can the couple be truly happy and satisfied with the relationship?
The what?
First of all, what is a sexless marriage? A marriage is considered sexless if the couple only have sex once a month or less. Moreover, once a week is considered a more normal or average amount. That’s because couples who have it that often seem to have happier marriages according to research. Obviously in reality this frequency can vary from one couple to the next.
The whys…
Most marriages don’t start off sexless but somehow it happens over time. For some couples, life just somehow gets in the way. They are working, have young kids and are simply just too tired. For others it can be as a result of slightly deeper issues. For some women, body image can really affect their self-esteem. This in turn just puts them off being intimate with their husbands. Also, for some women, they see sex in a reproductive light only and not something for enjoyment.
But this isn’t a women-only issue. Many men have various sexual issues too. They can have lower sex drives then that of their wives. Also being constantly criticised and moaned at can really affect their performance, if you know what I mean. There may well be resentment in the relationship too. If he feels hurt by something his wife said and the issue has never been dealt with, then it can really affect the way he treats his wife in the bedroom.
Besides these issues, there can actually be physical and medical issues that make sex painful or affect the person’s sex drive. Things like hormonal or long-term medical conditions can really make a person hate being intimate.
The ifs…
If the couple are not intimate then why do they even stay together? What’s the point if they are living in what can be seen as an unsatisfying relationship on an intimate level? For many couples, the relationship works for them in other ways. They may love each other deeply, take care of each other and generally otherwise get on, therefore are prepared to ignore the sex part. Also staying in the marriage means sacrificing their needs in order to keep their family together. On a more emotional aspect, for some the fear of being alone stops them leaving or speaking out. Not to mention there is the whole shame aspect. In our community asking for help or advice about sex is seen as a big ‘no-no’. On a practical level, simply not being financially independent can stop a spouse leaving.
The hows…
If you are in a sexless marriage, then how do you overcome this issue? Should you just carry on and pretend it’s ok while possibly setting yourself up to harbour years of resentment? Simply ignoring the issue can have a devastating impact on the relationship in the long-term. It can even lead to an affair or divorce. Dealing with it is frankly for the good of the marriage and the whole family.
So how should a couple bring back the intimacy in their relationship? For a start, talk about it and try to understand what the root cause is. Don’t expect your husband to be a mind reader and tell them exactly how you feel. Do your best to negotiate because that’s what really makes relationships work. Whatever the issue is, do your best to meet half way and bring the physical side of your relationship back.
If you are both always busy then make your alone time priority, even if it’s a quiet dinner at home without the kids around. Whatever you do, do it now before you reach a point where you both just don’t care anymore. It is always better to speak up then live with years of regret about what you could have done and put your trust in Allah to guide you to the right path.
Have you successfully overcome this? Can you relate? Let us know in the comments.
I have been in a sexless marriage for over 3 years now. In the first year I just thought it was life (our first child was 1), in the second year I gently encouraged my husband to think about resuming a physical relationship (didn’t want to put any pressure on him as he had a lot on his plate and each time he tried he would lose his erection after a while), in the third year I tried really hard to get him to invest time in rebuilding our friendship, in the hope it would help rebuild our intimacy. Every time I raised these issues (it was always me, atleast 10 times) he would end the argument/discussion/my desperate pleas by saying he cares for me and is “trying” yet nothing has changed. It’s now at a point that there is huge resentment on my side, particularly because I was desperate to have a second child (I’ve had many complications in the past and motherhood has not been an easy journey). I told him all my reasons and fears in delaying pregnancy but he’d somehow twist it to make me question what my motivations were but didn’t acknowledge his failure as a sexual partner. I’m now at that stage where I too have given up. It’s gone beyond this issue and affected our whole relationship and we constantly argue. I dislike being in his presence and feel trapped in a marriage which I don’t want to be in. I sacrificed a lot for him and sometimes think about everything I have given up for him and what my life could have been like had I married someone else. He’s got many other faults too but this is by far the biggest issue in our marriage.
Neither of us like confrontation so we don’t shout or scream at each other thankfully. It’s more moods and cold shoulders which I know isn’t great.
We live together as “house mates” and are civil with each other around our daughter but rest of the time it’s limited conversation and no romance. I myself have got to the stage where I don’t want relationships with someone who feels like a stranger to me.
The last time I raised all the issues, I told him I had mentally checked out and would only be willing to work on this marriage if we saw a counsellor. He agreed and said the only condition was that he gets to choose the right company, to which I said fine. But then, as always, nothing’s happened since (this was 2 months ago). I’m so angry that I refuse to raise the issues again and am now focusing on my self happiness (my daughter, my home, my job etc) which might seem selfish but I need to protect my own mental health. At some point I’ll have to put a plan in place to finish this marriage but don’t want my daughter to be negatively impacted. So feel I have no choice but to wait until she’s atleast a teenager.
It’s sad to hear about your experience sister. I am a trainee counsellor and from personal experience and within a professional capacity can assure you that your daughter will not benefit from being in a family where both parents share no love. Rather she will learn this behaviour and think this is a normal family structure and possibly re enact it in her own relationship when she is older. More so children are extremely Insightful and can sense how unhappy their primary care givers are. Seeing you happy will allow her to develop positive mental health. Look for your happiness and your daughter will find hers also.
I have been married for 23 years .I also been in a sexless marriage for more than 5 years now. We argue more, talk less, always busy and truly what you said in your article, the only reason I didn’t leave is fear of being alone with my children and no financial independence. Also due to the fact that for my husband, there is no problems in our marriage. I am just waiting. I dont know for what, a sign from Allah to show mw which direction to take.
What can i do ? I miss my husband i dont want to cheat on him because is in prison which may last for 5yrs.
Thanks.
Hey Kadijat, sorry you feel this way. Have you spoken to a marriage counsellor? Do get in touch with https://barefootinstitute.com/ and they should be able to advise you.