This photo was taken on my birthday in 2010.
Is it obvious?
I remember being at my parent’s house with their only grandchild, my son, my siblings and my husband.
Do they know?
I smiled my way through dinner, cake and presents. I posed for photos and hugged my family tight, all of them…bar one.
Can they tell?
I made small talk whilst dreading the ‘big’ talk and then it happened. My dad asked me “How did it go today?”
It’s my birthday today. I am 34 years old but it’s a very important appointment that I am super excited about.
Today I get to meet you. I didn’t know you were coming until I saw the two blue lines. Does that mean you’re a boy? I don’t mind.
Your big brother will be pleased. He doesn’t know it yet but he’s going to love and look after you and be your best friend. I wonder if what they say is true? Does it get easier when there are two?
I wonder who you’ll take after? I imagine you’ll look like me but secretly hope you’ll look like your big brother because he just took my breath away. Whatever and whoever you look like will be perfect. Just like the life you’re going to lead and the adventures you’re going to have. Subhanallah, a mum of two boys (or a boy and a girl, I don’t mind!) I am so blessed.
I know you. Even though we’ve never met I love you. I am your mum. I know you like dancing and playing football with my bladder. I know you are nocturnal and not a fan of coffee. It’s a good thing I’m more of a tea person.
I know you love my singing…why wouldn’t you?! I think you’re going to be sporty and clever and funny and kind and compassionate and you my love are going to change the world.
I know who you are…
I know what you will be…
I know you
I know…you are
It seems you love playing games. Hide and seek…minus the seek. Don’t worry I’ll seek. I’ll look for you. I will find you. I will never give up on you. I will keep searching…always.
3, 2, 1 coming ready or not!
You’re so good at this game. Actually, I think you’re the best hider in the history of hide and seek! That’s my boy. or girl, I don’t mind.
Has anyone seen my baby? I can’t find him anywhere, or her, I don’t mind.
Do you not want to meet me, is that it? Is that why you’re hiding?
Come out, come out wherever you are!
The cavalry was even sent in to look for you. That wasn’t fun I can tell you. All that poking about and then someone said you might have moved…away or was it ‘on’?. In the haze of prodding and furrowed brows and side glances, I noticed how dirty the ceiling tiles were, how grey the room was and I chuckled to myself. You’re not hiding. You’ve just changed address. I’ve got to say I wasn’t expecting you to leave home so soon. That’s epic or was that ectopic? So independent, that’s my boy, or girl, I don’t mind.
Where have you moved to? What’s your forwarding address? What do I do with your stuff?
If you don’t reside in me anymore, if you don’t inhabit me anymore, what do I do now?
I guess I’ll keep playing the game you started.
3,2,1…coming ready or not!
I’ll look for you. I will never give up on you. I will keep searching…always and one day… I will find you.
I arrive at my parents clutching my husband’s hand. I hug my excited bonny boy. It’s also my little sister’s birthday and she is 24 today.
I smile my way through dinner, cake and presents. I pose for photos and hug my family tight, all of them…bar one.
My beautiful boy brings in a candlelit cake.
“Close your eyes and make a wish mummy!”
So I do…
This week is Baby Loss Awareness week and October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. As part of promoting this awareness, I am holding a space for women to share their experience,
I lived my life on autopilot after my loss and found it hard to make the emotional transition from being a mum of two to being a mum of one less.
I was told, “It’s for the best. There was probably something wrong with the baby anyway. At least you know you can get pregnant!”
Some people said, “At least you have your son.”
Others would say things like, “It wasn’t really a baby yet.”
The worst thing for me was what people didn’t say, or didn’t know what to say. People mean well but the truth is, their words don’t acknowledge the fact that a miscarriage is a traumatic experience. You can’t make trauma disappear by telling somebody that their trauma is not real. Having the space to speak out about it is a right, not an inconvenience.
I am a mum of 6, 2 Jannah angels and 4 earth babies.
I would be honoured to listen to you and I make dua that we connect soon in sha Allah.
Leave a Reply