I am a Muslim Mum and I am addicted to Porn
You hear of the impact porn has on marriages every day; usually from the wives frustrated at their husband’s porn addition. Do you ever hear of a woman’s addiction, especially a Muslimah’s? It’s a hush-hush taboo subject – of course a ‘woman’ would never want to watch that. Sadly, my own addiction to porn is not only mine; it’s just that I am brave enough to say it happens and it certainly happened to me.
The first time I was introduced to porn is very sad. My mom had left me unattended outside a shop; a man came and stood next to me, holding a large newspaper. Hidden inside the newspaper was a magazine littered with the most disturbing images. He smiled and winked as he walked off. Over the years, porn was available on the top shelf in all the shops as well as underneath my brothers’ mattresses. All the boys would talk about these perfect looking women making everyone happy, doing things that every man dream of. I was sold that it was the ‘norm’, that society didn’t care one way or another.
By the time I married, I was watching porn every day. I had sexual toys, and even dressed up into a make-believe porn star. I remember my husband’s face when I first showed him my toys and told him I watched porn. He looked troubled. Actually, he looked more than troubled, ‘disappointed’ is the word. It came as a total shock to me that a man would not be happy about his wife’s interest in it!
One day, I came home to find my husband had binned all my toys and bought me a book entitled “Let’s talk about sex and Muslim love,” written by Umm Zakiyyah. I sat down and read the book, whole way through. I listened to how sex in Islam is about a beautiful connection between a husband and wife. This inspired me to start reading as much as I could on porn addiction and the Muslim community. That’s when I realised that actually, it’s not even spoken about. It’s a major taboo.
I found it completely shocking how the Muslim community was not speaking or tackling this problem, especially when so many marriages are being affected by this. I also found that it was not seen as a problem by the rest of (male?) society. I went to the doctor and explained that I was relying so much on porn as a crutch, I couldn’t be intimate with my husband without watching it first. I was addicted, and it was all-consuming. I needed help. The doctor laughed at me and said “So what you’re a healthy young woman who enjoys sex? Your husband should be so pleased!”
I asked to be referred to a counsellor, and I was told that there was no point as I was a young woman and it was totally ‘normal’. I contacted my own counsellor who I found through a local sisters’ group. This was my turning point. My counsellor was Muslim, and she could see the impact this was having on me. Someone finally understood how I was worried about my good deeds and committing sin.
My husband was my rock. He told me my mind had been subjected to think this was the norm when in fact it was a type of perversion. Gradually, I started to see porn for what it actually was. It was a fake, seedy act of demoralising sin. It had none of the intimacy, warmth of a real, halal relationship. Over the years, I have seen it destroy marriages due to the unrealistic expectations it has on sex.
Finally, I could see that it was a collection of deprave acts that we let seep in and corrupt all that is good and halal. I’ve even seen it affect children and many households. I’ve seen it become a norm in society with young 15-year-old girls saying their dream was to become an adult film star. It didn’t take long before long-term stars themselves came out and state how their whole lives have been ruined by porn. I was so pleased I was beating my addiction and that I wasn’t alone. I feel sick when I think of porn now.
My first advice to anyone who has been afflicted by this addiction, is to seek help. No, it is not normal. And no, it is not ‘just something men or woman do’. Ignore the people who say, ‘Well it’s okay, it’s only porn. At least s/he’s not really cheating with another wo/man.’ Yes, maybe right now it’s ‘only porn’ but how long will it be before the sin crosses over to being something else? Pray. Get help. And most of all, read about sex in Islam. Read the words of the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him). Sex is a private, beautiful act between husband and wife. There is no room for anyone else. It’s not a show. It’s not a thing that should be witnessed by everyone.
The message I want to make poignantly clear, do not be ashamed to ask for help especially if you’re woman with this disease of the heart. There is help for you. You just have to reach out and find it.
As a Muslim community, we need to raise awareness and start to be more open about the more intimate problems we face in the community. These are the very problems are own children will face in the future.
We need to be ready.
Written by a Muslim Mama (35) of four children who loves to exercise, hike and learn about Islam and came out through the other side
